The teenage years are some of the most difficult for all of us. There are a number of reasons for this, and each person probably has their own set of reasons. Many of us found that life as a teenager was full of emotional difficulty. Not only were our bodies changing and hence our emotions, but we were attempting to form identities separate from those of our parent’s. It is difficult to remember how painful this process was; to suddenly try to fight against the people who love you the most in the world is a very difficult task. However, if we are to become adults ourselves we must try to gain some control of our lives and this often means rebelling against those who would control us. One of the true tragedies of this situation is that it makes it very difficult to understand how to communicate with your teen. When your teenager thinks that you are trying to control them and when they attempt to create their own identity you might find that they don’t want to speak with you. Although you might have been the one place where your child could go to share their secrets, now that they are a teenager you will find that they want nothing to do with you. How can you possibly help your teenager to open up to you when they don’t seem to want to speak with you or your spouse?
It will be very difficult to get your teen to open up to you if they have resisted doing so in the past. Realize that your child, while perhaps not seeing you as an enemy, is trying to distance themselves from you. They probably feel that relying on you for anything is demeaning and leads to serious problems. Because your child associates you with control and limitation, they probably won’t want anything to do with you. As a result, one of the best ways to approach a teen who is not opening up is to you is to be understanding and never controlling. If your teen feels that you will only control them or boss them when you speak with them they will never want to talk. If they feel that you are understanding and non judgmental they are far more likely to speak with you about their problems. No one wants to be judged or controlled when they have something important to speak about; if your child has some sort of general reassurance that you will not try to control them they will probably seek you out.
This discussion relates to a more general issue, which is trying to parent a teenager as a friend or as a disciplinarian. Obviously both are needed when trying to help a child into adulthood, but you will find that you will communicate less with your teenager if you tend to be a disciplinarian. You can also become their friend by discussing some of their interests. However, this cannot be done in a fake or disingenuous manner. Kids have a nose for people who are patronizing or false, and your child will resent you all the more if they smell anything untrue. Take a genuine interest in your teenager and spend some time with them. Let them know that you care about them and their interests and that you are someone they can visit with any concern, no matter how troubling it may be. These are some of the basics of getting a teenager to open up to you. However, every teenager is different so you will have to figure out what is best for yours.