Marriage is not an easy thing to make work for anyone. Even those people who seem most well prepared for the undertaking run into setbacks and problems that they did not expect. Marriage demands more from us than many of us are willing to give. In many cases it ends in divorce because of the stress and strain it puts on individuals. It seems that anytime two different people are placed in a committed relationship there will be problems. Even if you are remarkably similar to your spouse you will often find yourself fighting or disliking the way that the other does certain things. As the stresses and strains of life mount this also can lead to some serious problems. Not long after the wedding bells have rung, many people find that they no longer feel the same way that the used to about their spouse. With so many opportunities for failure, it is amazing that many marriages actually do work. If you are about to become married, or if you have been married for many years, there are some things that you should learn about how individuals function in marriage.
Although many wedding ceremonies make the claim that two separate individuals become one in a marriage, the truth is far more complicated. While ideally the two are united in purpose and love, they remain individuals with different personalities, histories, and goals. A marriage is thus more of a complicated relationship between two people trying to support each other rather than a single unity. If the people involved in the relationship are particularly independent the marriage can become extremely strained and needs its own set of rules.
Given that marriage is between two individuals, it is important to remember that the institution should respect the hopes and dreams of these individuals. A marriage that stifles one person’s hopes and dreams so that the other partner can achieve theirs is not a good marriage. Ideally a marriage should be a support network to help both people achieve what they want in life.
One way to avoid many of the problems arising from the inherent individualism of existence is to be prepared for it. You need to expect that your spouse will still be who they are after you have been married. Realize that they are an individual with their own friends, and with a need for personal space. You cannot plan for them or attempt to think about their future for them. Often when a single partner in a relationship become controlling it sends a signal to the other spouse. They quickly learn that they are in an abusive situation and try to find a way out.
A marriage is strongest when it allows two individuals to love each other without controlling each other. Recognize the things that make your spouse an individual and celebrate them. Realize that controlling these parts of your spouse’s personality will only lead to serious problems. Create space in which both of you can function as distinct individuals and spaces where you function as a married couple. Respect all decisions that your spouse makes as a professional in their respective career. The worst thing to do is to patronize or treat a spouse’s personal ambition flippantly.
Given that your marriage is unique and different from all the other marriages on this planet, you will need to think about ways to improve it. However, if you can follow the guidelines outlined above you will quickly find that your marriage is stronger and full of more love.
Individuals making marriage work
How to spice up your sex life to make marriage more fun
Marriage provides all sorts of difficulties and challenges for many of us. Divorce is a serious problem throughout the world, with millions of couples getting separations after only a few years of marriage. With so many marital problems in the world, many people are looking for ways to spice up their marriage. They want to encourage fun and intimacy in their relationship, and they have found that one of the best ways to do so is through their sex life. Few of us realize just how important our sex lives are for our marriages. One of the primary sources of intimacy and fun in a marriage is through sex, so if you want to improve your marriage think about spicing up your sex life.
There are many different ways to spice up your sex life. You will need to think about your spouse and what might or might not work for them. Each marriage is unique and different from all others, so some things might work better for one marriage than for another. One thing to try is more extensive foreplay. For many married couples sex is fairly quick and does not involve much preparation. This can tend to make a sexual relationship somewhat boring and un-fulfilling. Try using various foreplay techniques before sex to make your sexual encounters more memorable and pleasurable. One thing that often works is lengthy massage. Set the mood by dimming the lights and burning candles. Often strong odors can help to create the right type of atmosphere for sexual intimacy.
Another way to spice up your sex life is to try various new sexual positions. There are several books that detail how to perform these positions. Try different new options and see what works best for you. Only try things that both partners are comfortable with-sexual intimacy cannot increase if one partner feels strange about what is happening. Prior to having sex discuss what you would like to try-don’t surprise your spouse with something new. Many couples also find that they can improve their sex life through some sort of dress up or fantasy game. Don’t limit yourself too much-it might seem weird, but if it improves your sex life it will be worth it.
One important method you can use is to prepare for sex long before it actually comes. Have sex after planned dates so that the whole day or evening feels like a romantic event. Simply having sex at the end of a busy day when neither partner has seen each other is not very satisfying. If you can make sex the conclusion of a wonderful romantic evening you will find that your sex life improves and that your marriage improves.
There are allot of different techniques that can be used to improve your sex life. Talk with friends about what works for them and if need be you can consult a counselor. There are many sex counselors out there who understand the different needs of people. Try lots of different methods and a patiently observe the outcome. Don’t limit yourself-often people find things that work when they go a little outside of their comfort zones. Keep trying to overcome whatever intimacy issues you might have and talk openly with your spouse about sex. Often people struggle to improve sex because they are unwilling to speak about it. There is no reason for you to feel uncomfortable about talking with your spouse about sex. As one of the things that will help you to form an intimate bond, sex will be something that you need to speak about frequently.
How therapy or counseling can save a marriage
If your marriage is struggling and you are not sure if you can fix it, or if the problems in your marriage seem insurmountable, you might want to consider marriage counseling.
Therapy or counseling has helped many couples who are dealing with a wide range of problems. With counseling, a couple will sit down with their therapist and discuss the various problems and issues they are dealing with as a couple, then work together to solve them through various techniques.
With the right therapist and the right attitude from the couple in counseling, therapy or counseling can save your marriage. Here’s how:
Counseling gets to the root of the problem.
Oftentimes, couples who go through marriage counseling have so many problems they don’t even know where to begin. Or, they have been bickering and fighting for so long that they don’t even know what they are fighting about. With counseling, through talking and addressing the issues, marriage counselors or therapists can help you get to the root of the problem. Once you know the cause of the contention in your relationship, you can then go about fixing it together with the tools and techniques your therapist provides for you.
Counseling teaches effective communication.
Communication problems, including not expressing wants or needs, yelling or fighting in ways that belittle each other, or not communicating at all with each other, can quickly lead to the erosion of your marriage. Counseling can help couples more effectively communicate with each other, including helping you to understand the different communication styles between men and women or different personalities. It can also show you how to argue in a way that will not harm your marriage or your partner’s feelings.
Counseling provides an objective viewpoint.
If you are in marriage counseling, your counselor or therapist will not sit there and take sides if you belittle or complain about your spouse. Instead, he or she will help you both to see how you are contributing to the problems in your marriage, instead of ganging up on one or the other. Often, couples are quick to point out what their spouse is doing wrong instead of taking delivery on the problem themselves. With an objective opinion from someone who doesn’t take sides, it is easier to look inside and see what you can be doing to better your marriage.
Counseling can help you through big problems.
When a couple is dealing with major problems such as infidelity, loss of a child, bankruptcy or losing a home, or other life-altering situations, the way they handle it can greatly affect the success of their marriage. Such problems are often only helped with professional intervention. Therapy or counseling can help couples through major problems by providing coping techniques and other ways they can work together, if they choose, to tackle their problems together.
Counseling teaches you how to compromise.
Many marriage problems can be reached through compromise and a little give and take, but sometimes couples can become so stubborn that they no longer compromise or sacrifice for their spouse’s needs and wants. Counseling can help couples reach compromises that both are happy with and teach you techniques to learn how to come to agreements on your own.
Many couples find that their marriage can be saved by going to marriage counseling or therapy.
How marriage counseling can help your marriage
Most couples have ups and downs in their relationships, but some couples get in ruts or have problems that are best dealt with by professional help.
Marriage counseling can improve your relationship in many ways, whether you just want to strengthen your bond as a couple or whether you have serious issues, such as addiction or infidelity, you need to work through as a couple.
Marriage counseling can help your marriage in a number of ways. Counseling typically occurs with the couple and a therapist, who, through talking and listening and serving as a mediator, pinpoints the issues that are causing problems in a marriage and then helping the couple to solve them. This typically occurs through such tools as:
- How to communicate better with each other as a couple, including helping couples understand differences in communication with gender.
- Negotiate differences. Many times, problems in marriage can be solved through compromise and negotiation, which your therapist can help with.
- Effective problem solving. Marriage counseling can help your marriage by showing you how to work together as a team to solve your problems.
- How to argue. It’s not realistic to expect all couples to never argue, but marriage counseling can help your marriage by showing you how to argue fairly that will help you to avoid hurt feelings and finger pointing, which will lessen the tension and resentment in a marriage.
The following are some of the things marriage counseling can help your marriage with:
Improves your bond as a couple.
Many people think that marriage counseling is only for couples on the brink of divorce; however, this isn’t always the case. Some couples go to counseling to improve their marriage by strengthening their bond as a couple or helping to better understand each other. This is done by learning ways to spend time with each other, improve your relationship through better communication, and so forth.
Some couples also opt for pre-marriage counseling, which helps them to gain a better understanding of what marriage will be like, as well as address any issues they may have before they get married.
Helps you cope with outside problems.
Sometimes, the problems in a marriage aren’t the result of a couples actions towards each other, but rather the way they handle problems that come their way. More common problems include financial stress, loss of a child or loved one, unemployment, or changing roles in life, such as retirement or the birth of a child. These issues can cause stress, anger, and other emotions. If couples don’t know how to deal with these emotions and issues together, they can end up tearing the marriage apart. Counseling can help couples learn how to deal with issues as a team rather than apart.
Helps you deal with relationship issues.
In some cases, couples have problems that greatly affect the state of their marriage. This can be infidelity, dishonesty, cultural or religious clashes, or abuse. Couples who opt to stay together through such problems can benefit from counseling as the therapist helps the couple pinpoint problem areas and how they can be resolved together. In some cases, couples will find through marriage counseling that they may not want to stay together, in which case the counselor will also help them deal with that.
Marriage counseling is a useful tool that can help your marriage in many ways.
Problems with extended family, is it affecting your marriage
Marriage confronts each spouse with a host of challenges and difficulties. Besides the general problems that often arise during the course of a marriage, there are other difficulties that can come up. One of the most common and sometimes terrible problems that can arise in a marriage involves conflicts between one spouse and the extended family of either relative. A friend of mine, for example was recently married to a great women. They were deeply in love but her father and mother objected to the match for personal reasons. Although none of his friends could figure out what was wrong, it seems that the in-laws objected to the match for years, and eventually the stress brought down their marriage. It was terrible to see two people who loved each other so much fall apart. My friend was heartbroken for years and he was unable to finally figure out what to do with himself. Watching him struggle convinced me that extended family can be serious problem when it comes to marriage. If you are experiencing a similar problem you should think carefully about the situation. Realize that the problem could eventually lead to the end of your marriage.
One of the things you need to watch out for in such situations is anger. Many people become angry because they feel that their in-laws are rejecting them. They respond to strange behavior with anger, and the result is that their in-laws become even angrier. If you give your in-laws a chance to get angry in this sort of situation you will only make it worse. The key is to not give in, but it is also to show them that you are a reasonable person. If you show them that are compassionate and tolerant it will only help to illuminate how unreasonable they have been. They would only like the opportunity to condemn you, so don’t give it to them.
If extended family continue to bother you then you will have to learn how to live with the problem. You might simply need to separate yourself from the offending family member, although you should try to prove yourself to them first. If you cannot prove that you only mean goodwill to your extended family, you will have to learn how to live with some rejection. Limit your contact with the offending party, but continue to try to make overtures of friendship to them. With time you might be able to show them that you are a different person than they think you are. It will only be through love that you can eventually solve your problem.
Sometimes in-laws will simply be so stubborn that you will not be able to help them see the truth. In these situations you might just have to give up on trying to fix the problem. This could be especially hard if it means a total separation from your extended family, but this might be the price that has to be paid. It is not fair for you to not be able to marry who you would like to marry. If your family forces you out of a loving relationship you will always resent them for it.
These are just a few strategies for dealing with problematic extended family. Everyone’s family is different so you will need to figure out what will work best for yours. Be patient and understanding and you will be able to solve most of the problems from extended family, and even if it requires several years to do so.
Dividing responsibility in marriage to lighten each other’s loads
With marriage comes the added responsibility of household chores, finances, and childcare, to name a few. However, many couples find that one spouse shoulders the majority of the responsibilities, leading to frustration and resentment.
To avoid this, the best thing you can do is sit down together and divide the responsibilities and chores up. This way, not only do you lighten each others’ loads, but couples know who is responsible for what.
The following are some tips for dividing responsibility in marriage to lighten each other’s loads:
Make a list of everything that needs to be done.
The first thing you will need to do is list all of the responsibilities of the house and then divide them up into chores to be assigned. While this will vary from home to home, the most common include:
- Cleaning up around the house. This includes day to day chores like loading and unloading dishes and taking out the trash, as well as weekly things like cleaning bathrooms and vacuuming.
- Cooking. Decide how you want to divide up the cooking. This could mean someone is in charge of making dinner, and breakfast and lunch are individual choices. This works for couples with grown or older children, but when there are small kids at home, someone will need to fix breakfast and pack lunches. In addition, decide who is responsible for cleaning up after meals.
- Laundry. Will you each do your own laundry, or will one person be in charge of all laundry? Are the kids old enough to do laundry themselves? Who will wash the towels and linens? These are all things to be considered.
- Child care. This includes getting kids ready for school and bed, picking them up and dropping them off, and so forth.
- Finances. Someone will need to be in charge of balancing the checkbook and paying bills.
- Work around the house. Someone needs to be in charge of work around the house and yard, such as mowing the lawn, raking leaves, or blowing snow.
Dividing responsibility.
Once you’ve listed all of the things that need to be done around the house, you can then go about dividing them up. Things to consider when doing this include:
- Likes and dislikes. Chances are, no one actually enjoys cleaning bathrooms or doing dishes. But if your spouse loves to cook and you find vacuuming to be a stress reliever that you don’t mind, divide up chores according to who likes what, or who minds a certain chore the least. This will increase the chances that they will get done.
- Schedules. If your kids’ school or daycare is on the way to your work, then it probably makes sense for you to drop them off and pick them up. Or, if your spouse works until 7 or 8 every night, it’s not practical to have him or her do the cooking.
- Outside jobs. You should also consider your careers when dividing responsibility. For example, many stay at home moms or dads take on the task of many of the day to day household chores, like laundry, grocery shopping, and keeping things tidy, while they are at home with the kids and their spouse is at work.
The above tips will help you to lighten each other’s loads.
Date night-never miss it!
When people fall in love they tend to come to a time when they would love to get married. The honeymoon stage makes most people feel like getting married, but shortly after the wedding bells have rung out their happy tune the couple finds themselves faced with difficulties. They start to discover little problems with the other person. Stressful situations arise and there are serious disagreements about how to deal with problems. How will you keep that marital bliss going when there is so much stress and so much to fight about? There might be no way to keep things as they first were when you got married, but there are some tools you can use to make sure that your marriage will stay strong and increase in love. If you think about the honeymoon period there is probably one thing that stands out besides your uncritical adoration of the other person. You spent lots of time with your future spouse while you were dating. You went out on several dates every week and you thought of exciting things to do with the other person. In other words, you spent lots of time together and it was productive, well-planned time. If you want to watch your marriage grow you need to continue going on dates with your spouse long after you are married. Technically you will need to keep going out on dates as long as you are married-even into old age.
Date night is not an option for any couple, and it needs to happen just about every week. You and your spouse need some time every week to sit down with each other and have some stress free time. You need to take a break from the stress of life and rediscover what led you to marry each other. The key to successful date nights is planning. Think about your date night throughout the week and consult with your spouse. Think about activities that both of you would like to participate in. Try something new, whether it be a new restaurant, jazz club, or sport. Don’t limit yourself to the same old date-there are lots of options out there. An exciting date in a new place can really spark some passion in your relationship. You leave the world of chores, work, and kids behind, discovering new things together. If you are creative you can come up with lots of new possibilities for great dates.
If you find that other things are getting in the way of date night, make sure that you alter your schedule so that you can start again. Often couples find that something comes up and keeps them busy in such a way that they forget to take time for themselves. This often occurs when there are serious problems in a family-an illness or loss of a job, for example. However, it is especially in such stressful times that you need to slow down and take a break. Divorces often occur because a special circumstance forces a couple to fight. Having a weekly date night in the midst of such tension can make a big difference and might even save your marriage. If you have not tried date night before you need to start right away. It takes some discipline and work to get it going, but you will find that date night is a great tool for strengthening your relationship. Sit down with your spouse today and think about your next date. You will find that spending a little time with your spouse each week is a must.
Cultivating fondness and admiration for one another
Sometimes when couples have been married for a few years the fondness and admiration they once felt for each other melts into feelings of contempt. This is not something that happens overnight, and it usually seems to stem from one partner trying to avoid causing a problem over something that seems trivial. Unfortunately, not talking about such trivial annoyances usually ends up causing feelings of resentment, instead of peace as intended. Here are a few tips for cultivating fondness and admiration for one another.
Be Positive
Because individuals in a marriage generally come from different family traditions and values, there will no doubt be disagreements about the way things should or shouldn’t be done. Also, each person has brought their own set of habits to the relationship. One of the best ways to handle these issues is to be positive. Instead of instantly focusing on how a spouse does something differently; focus on the positive aspects of the difference. Maybe a spouse defrosts meat in hot water instead of in a microwave. Which way is better? In a marriage it doesn’t really matter which way is better. Instead, a person should point out the positive side of such an act. This will help couples hurdle the contempt that could grow from such a trivial difference.
Another way to build a positive attitude is to sit down and make a list of the other person’s positive attributes. Because it can be difficult to see the positive side of a person after what could be years of contempt toward them, sitting down until positive attributes are remembered is a good start to rebuilding the fondness and admiration for one another.
Remember the Past
Remembering the way one felt about their spouse before they were married or during the first few months or years of marriage is a great way to cultivate fondness and admiration. It can be easy for a couple to forget the reasons why they got married, especially if it has been a few years. Take a walk down memory lane by visiting old favorite hangout spots, or the location of significant events in the relationship. The spot where the couple got engaged, the hospital where their kids were born, or the place of their first date are all great places to spark old memories.
Cut Out Negativity
While being positive is an essential part of cultivating fondness and admiration in a marriage, if negativity is also present, it will be easy for the couple to slide back into negative feelings for one another. Couples should make an effort to recognize the pattern of negativity in their relationship so that they can eliminate it. Name calling, yelling, and sarcasm can be devastating to a couple. Chances are, the other person has simply developed a bad habit and needs help breaking it. Their actions are not deliberately meant to annoy their spouse. One way to remedy this problem is to discuss positive ways to remind the offending party. It should be an obvious reminder that will help the other person remember.
Cultivating fondness and admiration for one another may take some time, especially if negativity has taken hold of the marriage. By focusing on the positive, listing positive attributes, taking a stroll down memory lane, and cutting out negativity, a couple will be able to cultivate fondness and admiration for one another.
Compromise in marriage
Marriage is one of the most difficult and rewarding things that any of us will attempt to do in life. There are all sorts of challenges that face every marriage. There are family problems, sudden career changes, health issues, and accidents. The stresses and strains on a marriage can be beyond belief, and without a way to deal with them most marriages quickly fall apart. However, another issue that is equally problematic for marriages is general disagreement. There seems to be a law written somewhere in heaven that says that when two people live together there will be arguments and problems. It doesn’t matter how similar you and your spouse might be; if you live together and you go through the stress of modern life you will find yourself having to make compromises. When people are first married and in their honeymoon phase they can’t imagine ever having any kind of problem with their spouse or with the way their spouse does things. Shortly thereafter, however, they often find that they need to make some adjustments to the situation because some new challenge has come their way. Because compromise is a necessary part of marriage, how will you learn to do so? How will you work out the inevitable twists and turns of a marriage?
Compromise is a difficult issue because many people like to be right. When you get emotionally involved in a situation it can be difficult to simply find a solution rather than feel like you have gotten your way. However, even when you are right and get your way, you often find that you lose in the long run. A marriage is not a competition with your best friend; it is a combined effort to help each other improve the quality of life. Marriage should help all of us to accomplish our dreams rather than tearing each other apart. So how will you learn to compromise in marriage?
Whenever you feel the need to argue about something, ask yourself if it will do any good? Does it really help to fight about the issue at hand? Realize that one of you needs to step down if you are going to solve the problem. Sometimes doing the opposite of what you think is right is better than doing nothing at all. If you don’t act when action is required you will not find the solution to pressing problems.
Sit down with your spouse and talk about the issue of compromise. Discuss how you will successfully compromise in situations with strong emotions. One way to prevent blowups is to talk about how you will compromise before the situation demands you to do so. Maybe there are certain issues that you can agree to compromise on in a particular way. If your husband or wife likes to do a particular activity in a very particular way allow them to do so. In exchange you can demand that they allow you to do something you like in a certain way. These are the sorts of compromises upon which a marriage is built. You simply cannot expect to not make these types of compromises in a relationship between two individuals.
These are just a few suggestions for ways to form healthy compromises in marriage. Because every marriage is different you will need to find your own ways to do so. Think about your spouse and the sorts of things that are most important to them. Respect your differences and think about ways to compromise with your spouse that will help to strengthen your marriage.
Avoiding fights in marriage
Marriage can be difficult, and learning how to live with someone in close proximity, and meshing lives can be extremely difficult, adding fights into the mix can cause undue stress, and often leads to separation or divorce. The following is a look at how you can avoid fights in marriage:
Set your marriage as your highest priority. Your priorities are often what determine if something is worth a fight. If your relationship with your spouse takes a top rung on your priority ladder, you will not let little things cause you to fight with your spouse. If your job, or money, or something else is higher up on the priority ladder, then you will let it cause problems in your relationship. For example, let’s say your job matters more to you than your relationship. When your spouse wants you home for something important to them, and your work calls and asks you to come in, you choose work. This often leads to a fight. So, if you want to avoid fights in your marriage you are not supposed to pretend things do not bother you, or ignore problems, but rather make your relationship, and the happy functioning of it more important than everything else.
Second, learn to communicate your problems, frustrations, and irritations in healthy ways. Healthy marriages are not free from problems, however, instead of letting problems turn into a big fight, they are addressed in healthy ways. For example, instead of bottling up your frustrations until they explode and cause a big blow out, you should have open lines of communication that allow you to discuss even small things. If you can find healthy ways to get the negative stuff out in the open and clear it out, you will not have big fights in marriage, or even little tiffs, instead you will have a healthy, happy relationship.
Third, if you want to avoid fights in marriage you have to eliminate selfishness to the best of your ability. One of the reasons spouses get in fights in because of selfishness. If you are not being selfish in marriage, you will not let many things become issues or things to fight about. Instead of getting your feelings hurt, or being offended by actions, you will be able to put your spouse first, and realize that it is pride, selfish desires, or immaturity that is the problem, rather than something else. It is far harder to fight with your spouse if you put their feelings first, listen, learn, and try to do things to keep your marriage going, and your relationship strong.
Fighting happens, you may disagree on how a child should be disciplined, how time should be spent, who should carry certain responsibilities, and more. There are plenty of reasons to fight, and they can’t always be avoided, but you can minimize the impact of the fights by practicing the above ideas, and by caring more about your marriage then you do about being right, or being the best, or being the smartest. Your relationship is going to go through a lot, do not add to it, instead do what you can to avoid as many problems as you can, and learn how to work through the ones that you do need to address in appropriate, healthy ways.
