Teenagers are a huge challenge for parents, and for a number of reasons. It can be very difficult to tell how your child will change when they become a teenager. Some stay very much the same while many others quickly become someone quite different. My sister went from being one of the most crazy kids you have ever met to being an extremely responsible teenager. I’m afraid in my case it went the other way. In any case, there is a good chance that your teenager will change a bit as they get older, and in many cases they will become somewhat difficult to deal with. Teenagers have a natural tendency to explore new things and rebel against their parents. Their bodies and minds are changing quickly and they don’t have much control over their emotions. The result is often that they do stupid things that affect their future’s adversely. They get pregnant or get others pregnant, they do terribly in school or they decide to not even go to school. Often the experiment with drugs and alcohol in very irresponsible ways and the results can be terrible. This is just the beginning of a list of the sorts of the things that teenagers can do to ruin there lives and the lives of others. Given that teens get into so many problematic situations, how will you keep tabs on your teen? How will you make sure that they are staying out of serious trouble or hanging out with the right people?
Keeping tabs on your teem is a tricky business for a number of reasons. Not only is it impossible for you to be everywhere that your teen is, but it is also questionable that doing so would be a good idea even if you could. Your teenager would resent you terribly if you followed them everywhere. In fact, the affect of following them everywhere would be especially detrimental to your relationship; they might never forgive you if you don’t trust them.
What this means is that you need to find some way to establish a relationship of trust and honesty with your teen. You can establish a curfew and ask them about their schedule, but if they are not honest with you it won’t matter. You obviously want to make sure that your teen is home at a reasonable time, but what about the rest of the time during the day? One way to do this is to become a friend to your teen to show them that you can be trusted. You want them to know that they can confide in you and talk with you about their personal problems. If you are a pure disciplinarian who only judges and condemns you will never be able to perfectly keep tabs on your teen. They will go behind your back and find ways to hide what they do from you. Furthermore, when you become your teen’s friend they will want to keep your trust and live up to their obligations. If they respect you and know that you love them they will be far more likely to act responsibly than if they fear you.
It is definitely not a good idea to try to have your teen followed or spyed on. I have some friends whose parents like to do this and it almost always ends in disaster. The kids don’t feel trusted by the parents which means that they never communicate. Furthermore, it puts friends and family members in an odd relationship with each other.
How to keep tabs on your teen
How to help your teen open up
The teenage years are some of the most difficult for all of us. There are a number of reasons for this, and each person probably has their own set of reasons. Many of us found that life as a teenager was full of emotional difficulty. Not only were our bodies changing and hence our emotions, but we were attempting to form identities separate from those of our parent’s. It is difficult to remember how painful this process was; to suddenly try to fight against the people who love you the most in the world is a very difficult task. However, if we are to become adults ourselves we must try to gain some control of our lives and this often means rebelling against those who would control us. One of the true tragedies of this situation is that it makes it very difficult to understand how to communicate with your teen. When your teenager thinks that you are trying to control them and when they attempt to create their own identity you might find that they don’t want to speak with you. Although you might have been the one place where your child could go to share their secrets, now that they are a teenager you will find that they want nothing to do with you. How can you possibly help your teenager to open up to you when they don’t seem to want to speak with you or your spouse?
It will be very difficult to get your teen to open up to you if they have resisted doing so in the past. Realize that your child, while perhaps not seeing you as an enemy, is trying to distance themselves from you. They probably feel that relying on you for anything is demeaning and leads to serious problems. Because your child associates you with control and limitation, they probably won’t want anything to do with you. As a result, one of the best ways to approach a teen who is not opening up is to you is to be understanding and never controlling. If your teen feels that you will only control them or boss them when you speak with them they will never want to talk. If they feel that you are understanding and non judgmental they are far more likely to speak with you about their problems. No one wants to be judged or controlled when they have something important to speak about; if your child has some sort of general reassurance that you will not try to control them they will probably seek you out.
This discussion relates to a more general issue, which is trying to parent a teenager as a friend or as a disciplinarian. Obviously both are needed when trying to help a child into adulthood, but you will find that you will communicate less with your teenager if you tend to be a disciplinarian. You can also become their friend by discussing some of their interests. However, this cannot be done in a fake or disingenuous manner. Kids have a nose for people who are patronizing or false, and your child will resent you all the more if they smell anything untrue. Take a genuine interest in your teenager and spend some time with them. Let them know that you care about them and their interests and that you are someone they can visit with any concern, no matter how troubling it may be. These are some of the basics of getting a teenager to open up to you. However, every teenager is different so you will have to figure out what is best for yours.
Talking to your teen about sex
Sex is a difficult issue because sex is usually something that teens don’t really want to talk to their parents about. Thus, parents often have to dance around the issue, and sex can be uncomfortable. However, talking to your teen about sex is an important part of raising a teen. It is one of the issues that needs discussing, and a topic that no matter how much you want to avoid it, will likely creep up in one way or another, so why not face it head on? The following are some tips for talking to your teen about sex:
1. Address questions, talk to them about it, and make sure it is an open conversation. Most teens won’t want to start a conversation with their parents about sex, and will turn to friends, books, etc. to learn what they need to know. However, as a parent, one your best ways to ensure your teen is not doing something stupid is to make sure they feel, if not comfortable, at least open to talking to you about sex, no judgment. If your teen wants to know what something is, or how something works, they need to be able to ask you without you jumping to conclusions, or thinking that because they want to know about sex, that they are having it. So, make sure you can at least try to talk to them about sex in an educational manner without mixing in too many emotions, etc.
2. Talk about consequences, emotional and physical. One of the most important parts about talking to your teen about sex is helping them understand that it is not a decision to be taken lightly, especially when it holds such serious consequences. Sex is more than just coupling with someone, it can greatly affect the heart, the mind, the emotions, as well as the physical side. Consequences of sex can be the obvious like pregnancy, or the less obvious like the emotional overhaul of having sex with someone and having it go badly afterwards. Educate your teen about the consequences of sex, all of them, emotional, physical, etc.
3. Figure out what your rules are and set them. Set rules or guidelines with sex. If you do not want your teen having sex, or not taking it lightly, then you need to set some guidelines when it comes right down to it. Make sure they know your expectations, and what you hope for them, as well as why you feel that way. Just because your morals may say that sex before marriage is wrong, for example, doesn’t mean your child will take, “You can’t have sex before marriage” as the law. You have to help them understand why, and let them decide if they have the same moral compass, etc. Don’t just lay down the law, explain it, and make sure they understand.
Emotional teenagers
Teenagers tend to be very emotional. If it is not dating, it is friends, if it is not that, it is school, or sports, or some other extra-curricular. Regardless of the reason, teens tend to be emotional, and as a parent, it can be difficult to deal with it, and know how to help them handle it, channel their emotions to the right places, etc. The following are some great tips for helping teens manage their emotions so that their emotions do not manage them:
1. Teach them about emotions, and what they can expect. Hormones, are a big part of emotions, but in addition to that, life’s responsibilities grow, attachments are bigger, and thus emotions seem to grow with it because stuff matters more. A failed class is more than just a bad grade, it can mean a jeopardized future, not getting into the school you want, etc. Emotions become more profound. The risks are higher, the consequences are higher, so you are more invested. Help teens understand this, and know what their emotions mean, and what is causing them. Often, educating teens about emotions, and the reasons behind them can help them keep it under control. When you expect that your emotions will run high, you can be better prepared for it. So, talk to your teens about emotions so that they do not suppress them, rather deal with them.
2. Teach techniques for reducing stress and handling emotion. There are physical techniques that can be put into play to help teens handle their override of emotions. Things like eating right, getting enough sleep, and exercise can all be really helpful for teaching techniques, and eliminating the stresses that lead to extra emotions. Talk to your teen about how to process emotions. Every person handles his or her emotions in a different way. For example, some teens have to talk out their feelings, while others benefit more from a day spent working hard, or getting their mind off it.
3. Create a stable environment in which your teen can express their emotions, and feel safe doing it, so that they do not bottle up and explode. One of the reasons teens tend to be overly dramatic, and emotional is that they often are unsure how and where to express their emotions. So, make sure they know that they can always talk to you about it, or help them find someone or someplace or something that makes them feel safe, and that they can use as an outlet for their emotions, especially if their emotions seem to be wearing them down, or taking a lot of energy.
Your angsty, emotional teen may just be needing a constructive outlet for their emotions, so help them find one, and you won’t have to be as stressed with their emotions, and neither will they.
