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Cultivating fondness and admiration for one another

August 17, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

couple hugging in the kitchenSometimes when couples have been married for a few years the fondness and admiration they once felt for each other melts into feelings of contempt.  This is not something that happens overnight, and it usually seems to stem from one partner trying to avoid causing a problem over something that seems trivial.  Unfortunately, not talking about such trivial annoyances usually ends up causing feelings of resentment, instead of peace as intended.  Here are a few tips for cultivating fondness and admiration for one another.

Be Positive

Because individuals in a marriage generally come from different family traditions and values, there will no doubt be disagreements about the way things should or shouldn’t be done.  Also, each person has brought their own set of habits to the relationship.  One of the best ways to handle these issues is to be positive.  Instead of instantly focusing on how a spouse does something differently; focus on the positive aspects of the difference.  Maybe a spouse defrosts meat in hot water instead of in a microwave.  Which way is better?  In a marriage it doesn’t really matter which way is better.  Instead, a person should point out the positive side of such an act.  This will help couples hurdle the contempt that could grow from such a trivial difference.

Another way to build a positive attitude is to sit down and make a list of the other person’s positive attributes.  Because it can be difficult to see the positive side of a person after what could be years of contempt toward them, sitting down until positive attributes are remembered is a good start to rebuilding the fondness and admiration for one another.

Remember the Past

Remembering the way one felt about their spouse before they were married or during the first few months or years of marriage is a great way to cultivate fondness and admiration.  It can be easy for a couple to forget the reasons why they got married, especially if it has been a few years.  Take a walk down memory lane by visiting old favorite hangout spots, or the location of significant events in the relationship.  The spot where the couple got engaged, the hospital where their kids were born, or the place of their first date are all great places to spark old memories.

Cut Out Negativity

While being positive is an essential part of cultivating fondness and admiration in a marriage, if negativity is also present, it will be easy for the couple to slide back into negative feelings for one another.  Couples should make an effort to recognize the pattern of negativity in their relationship so that they can eliminate it.  Name calling, yelling, and sarcasm can be devastating to a couple.  Chances are, the other person has simply developed a bad habit and needs help breaking it.  Their actions are not deliberately meant to annoy their spouse.  One way to remedy this problem is to discuss positive ways to remind the offending party.  It should be an obvious reminder that will help the other person remember.

Cultivating fondness and admiration for one another may take some time, especially if negativity has taken hold of the marriage.  By focusing on the positive, listing positive attributes, taking a stroll down memory lane, and cutting out negativity, a couple will be able to cultivate fondness and admiration for one another.

Filed Under: Making Marriage Work Tagged With: admiration, cultivating fondness, feelings, fondness, habits, marriage, negative feelings, positive attributes, relationship, sarcasm, traditions, values, yelling

Avoiding fights in marriage

August 15, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

parents yelling in the kitchenMarriage can be difficult, and learning how to live with someone in close proximity, and meshing lives can be extremely difficult, adding fights into the mix can cause undue stress, and often leads to separation or divorce. The following is a look at how you can avoid fights in marriage:

Set your marriage as your highest priority. Your priorities are often what determine if something is worth a fight. If your relationship with your spouse takes a top rung on your priority ladder, you will not let little things cause you to fight with your spouse. If your job, or money, or something else is higher up on the priority ladder, then you will let it cause problems in your relationship. For example, let’s say your job matters more to you than your relationship. When your spouse wants you home for something important to them, and your work calls and asks you to come in, you choose work. This often leads to a fight. So, if you want to avoid fights in your marriage you are not supposed to pretend things do not bother you, or ignore problems, but rather make your relationship, and the happy functioning of it more important than everything else.

Second, learn to communicate your problems, frustrations, and irritations in healthy ways. Healthy marriages are not free from problems, however, instead of letting problems turn into a big fight, they are addressed in healthy ways. For example, instead of bottling up your frustrations until they explode and cause a big blow out, you should have open lines of communication that allow you to discuss even small things. If you can find healthy ways to get the negative stuff out in the open and clear it out, you will not have big fights in marriage, or even little tiffs, instead you will have a healthy, happy relationship.

Third, if you want to avoid fights in marriage you have to eliminate selfishness to the best of your ability. One of the reasons spouses get in fights in because of selfishness. If you are not being selfish in marriage, you will not let many things become issues or things to fight about. Instead of getting your feelings hurt, or being offended by actions, you will be able to put your spouse first, and realize that it is pride, selfish desires, or immaturity that is the problem, rather than something else. It is far harder to fight with your spouse if you put their feelings first, listen, learn, and try to do things to keep your marriage going, and your relationship strong.

Fighting happens, you may disagree on how a child should be disciplined, how time should be spent, who should carry certain responsibilities, and more. There are plenty of reasons to fight, and they can’t always be avoided, but you can minimize the impact of the fights by practicing the above ideas, and by caring more about your marriage then you do about being right, or being the best, or being the smartest. Your relationship is going to go through a lot, do not add to it, instead do what you can to avoid as many problems as you can, and learn how to work through the ones that you do need to address in appropriate, healthy ways.

Filed Under: Making Marriage Work Tagged With: avoid fights, make marriage work, marital problems, marriage

A daily checklist to make your marriage work

August 23, 2010 By admin Leave a Comment

Making your marriage work can be difficult, but there are ways you can make it easier. The following is a daily checklist of things you should do to make your marriage work:

Say “Good morning”: If you want to have a good marriage, you have to start with some compassion and love. You should start each day of your marriage out well. The best way to do this is to roll over in the morning and smile at your spouse and say “Good morning.” Even if you had a big fight the night before, start your morning off right.

Eat together: If you want to make sure your marriage works, spend time together, you can do this by eating meals together every day. So, whether you eat breakfast together so you can discuss your day, eat lunch together to reconnect part way through, or eat dinner together to recap the day and spend time with one another, eating a meal together is a great way to improve your marriage.

Plan for the day: If you want to make your marriage work it is good to include one another in your plans for the day. Each morning spend a few minutes to discuss where you will be and what you will be doing during the day. This is not to monitor each other, rather to inform and show each other you care.

Kiss goodbye: If you want to make your marriage work you have to stay connected in all ways, including physically. Touch, kiss, hug, and never let your spouse leave the house without giving them a kiss goodbye. If you always kiss goodbye, you will never let your marriage get so out of touch that it is going to fall apart completely.

Touch base during the day: Part of making marriage work is spending time together, and staying connected. When you date you can’t get enough of each other. So, how come when you get married you think going the whole day without a conversation is okay? Call each other during lunch breaks, text each other just to say hi, etc.

Be thoughtful: If you want to make your marriage work, then make sure that you make doing something thoughtful for your spouse a part of your daily checklist. Leave a note on the bathroom mirror, fix their favorite meal, send them a cute text, give them a back rub after a long day of work, etc.

Have real conversations: Your day is going to be busy, your responsibilities overwhelming at times, and there will be days you only have enough energy to discuss the things you have to, but if you want your marriage to work, be sure that you take time to talk about things other than the bills, your jobs, and your kids. Talk about culture, politics, beliefs, religion, or whatever else you want to, but spend time each day with the television off, and the conversation on.

Say “I love you.”: If you want your marriage to work, never go a day without uttering the words, “I love you.” Say it several times each day, and end every conversation, every goodbye, etc. with it. Say it as often as you can, say it randomly, say it as much as you can.

Filed Under: Making Marriage Work Tagged With: checklist, make_marriage_work, marital_checklist, marriage

Fun and free ways to spend time with your spouse

August 23, 2010 By admin Leave a Comment

Spending time with your spouse is a critical part of making your marriage work, but too many people use finances and life’s business to get in the way of spending quality time together. Many couples consider the time spent getting ready for the day, taking care of finances, or going over the things they need to do as “time” spent together. There are fun and free ways to spend time together, and the following are some great ideas that will really help your marriage:

Go for a walk. This is free, and it allows you to talk, hold hands, and get some exercise. It is good for your marriage and your body. Plan on twenty to thirty minutes a night for a quick walk with your spouse. This is going to be a great time to reconnect, laugh, and enjoy one another without spending a dime.

Show nights. A fun and free thing you can do with your spouse is get involved in a television show. Pick a fun one, like the Office that gives you plenty to laugh about and talk about later, and plenty of fodder for discussion. Then, never miss it. If one of you is out of town, both of you should watch it, then plan a phone date for after to talk about it. A show, believe it or not, is a great way to have fun with your spouse, and can give you something to look forward to together.

Sledding. If you live in a place that allows it, and own or can borrow a sled, hit the slopes for a few hours one Saturday afternoon. You will feel like a kid again, and it will be a blast. You may even find yourself getting in a snow ball fight, or flirting like a silly teenager again. Enjoy it, and be prepared to be a little sore after.

Bike rides. A fun and free way to spend time with your spouse is on a bike ride. You can make it as long or as short as you want it to be. You can bike down a beautiful trail, through the mountains, or just down a street. It is fun, free, and a great way to get exercise.

Picnics. Spending time with your spouse is so important, and a great, delicious (if you have decent culinary skills), and fun way to enjoy spending time together. You can take a big picnic out, a Frisbee, other lawn games, etc. and just enjoy an afternoon in the sunshine.

Card games. If you want to enjoy time with your spouse, get involved in playing games together. There is an initial investment to buy games, but a deck of cards can be really cheap and provide hours of entertainment and bonding time with your spouse. You can play games as a group, or just one on one. Consider games like Hand and Foot, Scum, Castle, and more.

Dinners. When looking for fun and free ways to spend time together as a couple, consider making dinner together. Granted you have to pay for the food, but you will be doing that anyway. So, plan out a menu, split the responsibility, and enjoy the time you spend together because it can be as fun as you want it to be. Even if you burn the dinner and eat frozen pizza, it can be a fun way to spend an evening.

Filed Under: Making Marriage Work Tagged With: entertainment, free_entertainment, fun, marriage, spouse