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Avoiding fights in marriage

August 15, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

parents yelling in the kitchenMarriage can be difficult, and learning how to live with someone in close proximity, and meshing lives can be extremely difficult, adding fights into the mix can cause undue stress, and often leads to separation or divorce. The following is a look at how you can avoid fights in marriage:

Set your marriage as your highest priority. Your priorities are often what determine if something is worth a fight. If your relationship with your spouse takes a top rung on your priority ladder, you will not let little things cause you to fight with your spouse. If your job, or money, or something else is higher up on the priority ladder, then you will let it cause problems in your relationship. For example, let’s say your job matters more to you than your relationship. When your spouse wants you home for something important to them, and your work calls and asks you to come in, you choose work. This often leads to a fight. So, if you want to avoid fights in your marriage you are not supposed to pretend things do not bother you, or ignore problems, but rather make your relationship, and the happy functioning of it more important than everything else.

Second, learn to communicate your problems, frustrations, and irritations in healthy ways. Healthy marriages are not free from problems, however, instead of letting problems turn into a big fight, they are addressed in healthy ways. For example, instead of bottling up your frustrations until they explode and cause a big blow out, you should have open lines of communication that allow you to discuss even small things. If you can find healthy ways to get the negative stuff out in the open and clear it out, you will not have big fights in marriage, or even little tiffs, instead you will have a healthy, happy relationship.

Third, if you want to avoid fights in marriage you have to eliminate selfishness to the best of your ability. One of the reasons spouses get in fights in because of selfishness. If you are not being selfish in marriage, you will not let many things become issues or things to fight about. Instead of getting your feelings hurt, or being offended by actions, you will be able to put your spouse first, and realize that it is pride, selfish desires, or immaturity that is the problem, rather than something else. It is far harder to fight with your spouse if you put their feelings first, listen, learn, and try to do things to keep your marriage going, and your relationship strong.

Fighting happens, you may disagree on how a child should be disciplined, how time should be spent, who should carry certain responsibilities, and more. There are plenty of reasons to fight, and they can’t always be avoided, but you can minimize the impact of the fights by practicing the above ideas, and by caring more about your marriage then you do about being right, or being the best, or being the smartest. Your relationship is going to go through a lot, do not add to it, instead do what you can to avoid as many problems as you can, and learn how to work through the ones that you do need to address in appropriate, healthy ways.

Filed Under: Making Marriage Work Tagged With: avoid fights, make marriage work, marital problems, marriage

Addressing expected marital roles and how it helps your marriage

August 14, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

young couple sitting back-to-backMarital roles have evolved in many ways. It used to be commonplace that the wife would take care of all the chores around the house, including cleaning and cooking, while the husband worked outside the home and earned the money.

These days, however, are a little different. It is more and more common to see families in which both work, or the husband stays home and cares for the kids and the wife works outside the home, and so forth. As a result, marital roles are not always the “traditional” wife stays at home and takes care of all the chores while the husband goes to work.

With so many different dynamics, it is important to address expected marital roles. While it would be ideal that both parties would help out around the house as needed, that is not always the case. That is why it is so important to address a wide range of responsibilities and roles, such as who does the cooking, takes care of the finances, cleans the house, and so forth.

The following are some ways addressing roles will help your marriage:

It clears up misunderstanding.
Unless roles are addressed, there could be misunderstandings. For example, let’s say both you and your husband have careers, and your husband was raised in a home where his father was the breadwinner and his mother stayed home and cleaned and cooked. He may automatically assume that you, as the wife, will take on that role. It’s not that he is being lazy, it’s just that there was no communication about roles.

It helps you avoid resentment.
When marital roles aren’t addressed, it is likely that one person will end up doing the majority of the work around the house. This can lead to resentment by one feeling that they do “everything.” When things around the house are divided up in such a way that both are happy with the roles, then resentment is avoided.

It keeps the responsibilities off of one person’s shoulders.
Many spouses, most often the wives, ask their partner for “help” around the house or with marital responsibilities, such as, “I could really use some help around the house today,” or “Could you help me get the kids to bed tonight?” While this seems like the polite way to handle things, asking for help actually implies that the responsibilities of the marriage and home are yours and yours alone. In addition, it creates frustration and resentment in the spouse doing all the work by having to ask for help, instead of assuming the responsibilities are shared.

Instead of trying to do it all yourself and asking your spouse to help you with it, first address your expected marital roles, then work to divide up the responsibilities around the house in a way that both parties can agree on.

It reduces marital strife.
Next to finances, arguments about household chores and marital roles are the most common. One person seems to be shouldering all of the work, and arguments ensue. When these roles aren’t addressed, it can turn into marital problems that can cause serious issues within your marriage.

Addressing expected marital roles early in your marriage will help you to have a happier, healthier marriage in which both contribute to the responsibilities around the house.

Filed Under: Making Marriage Work Tagged With: addressing expected marital roles, gender roles in marriage, getting your spouse to help around the house, marital roles

What to do if your child is a bully

August 13, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

Sister yelling at little brotherNo one really wants their child to be a bully. While you would much rather your child be the bully than being the one bullied, it is never an easy thing to digest, finding out your child is mean to other kids. If your child is bullying, someone will probably tell you. Usually it will be a teacher, or another child’s parent, as your child is not likely to do it in front of you. However, there are some signs that your child might be a bit of bully. The following are some of the things to watch for:

Your child may talk about the other kids at school in an aggressive, or highly negative way. This often reveals their insecurities, but it is usually insecurity that leads to bullying.

If your child comes home with things that do not belong to them, such as money, toys, etc. This is often a sign of being a bully.

If your child seems to have followers, but no real friends. This is often the sign of a bully.

Of course these are just some things to watch out for, but it does not necessarily mean your child is being a bully. However, if you find out that they are being a bully, whether that entails them being physically violent with other kids, or is psychologically bullying by teasing or excluding, it is important that as their parent you address it.

Your child needs to know that you do not feel it is acceptable behavior, and that you want it to stop immediately. This should not be negotiable. However, beyond that they need to understand what you consider bullying to be. This means you need to be calm, and talk to your child about what they are doing and why. You need to point out that just because they do not physically harm someone does not make them any less of a bully. You may have to address problems like bullying over text messages, or over the internet. Exclusion is one of the most popular forms of bullying, and it too should be addressed.

When talking to your child about bullying, it is essential that you get to the root of the problem. Why are they doing it in the first place? For some it is because they are insecure, and tearing others down helps them feel better about themselves. They are probably not self-aware that this is what they are doing, so help them to recognize the reason behind their actions so they can evaluate and change it. For others bullying is a defensive action because they have been bullied by the person, or one of the person’s friends. It is important that as you talk to your child about their behavior that you really listen to what they say. If they indicate that they were a victim as well, it is important to address it and explain to them better avenues for dealing with it.

If you find that your child is a bully it is always going to be wise to monitor their interactions so that you can help them put a stop to their bad behavior. This monitoring should extend to their phone and internet use, as this is the common place for teen bullying to occur.

In addition to the above suggesting, if your child is a bully, talk to the school and work together to find a solution.

Of course, for most parents the better question is what can you do to keep it from happening in the first place? The answer is to teach them well and hope for the best. You may not be able to prevent bullying, but if you teach your child to respect others, and themselves, bullying is less likely to occur. Help them have a high self esteem, and give them positive attention and support so that they feel valued, and do not feel the need to devalue others to bolster their own self-worth.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: bully, bullying, children, kids, raising children, school

What to do if you do not like your child’s friends

August 12, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

children in a huddleChildren present all sorts of problems and difficulties to their parents when they are born into this world. Some kids have emotional difficulties or physical problems. Others seem to do well at first but then struggle with some aspect of their lives when they get older. Life is unpredictable and so are children; you never know who you are going to get when you decide to have a child. While most parents want to maintain faith in their children they don’t always keep faith in their friends. It is a common problem of parents to not like the friends of their children. However, this is a very tricky situation because you don’t want to offend your children and you obviously don’t want to turn your children against you. There are few things that will turn a child against you more than turning against one of their cherished friends. Even if that friend is a bad influence on your son or daughter, they will resent any interference in the friendship. Although you may be able to see much more clearly than your child does when it comes to their friends, you interfere with their lives in a way that always offends when you try to cut them off from their friends. Because most kids, and especially teenagers, are trying to gain some sense of control over their lives, telling them that they cannot spend time with particular people is a difficult thing to hear. So what should you do if you don’t like your child’s friends? Can you simply demand that they never see them again? Can you punish your children if they do spend time with friends with whom you disapprove?
These are difficult questions to answer because the situation will be different for different people. In most cases, however, it is almost impossible to simply tell your child to not spend time with certain people. You can try this technique, but you will find that your demands will not be met in many cases, and especially if your child is a teenager. You can try to explain to your child why spending time with a certain friend is not a good idea. This is a good first step, but beyond this there is only so much you can do. Another tactic is to reward your children depending on who they spend time with. You could, for example, support get togethers with friends who you approve of and disallow get together with others. After all, it is your house and you can decide who is allowed inside and who is not.
If you can find no other way to get your children away from friends that you disapprove of, you could try placing them in a new school. However, this is usually just a temporary fix because you child might just find new inappropriate friends. The best policy in this sticky situation is to help your child meet friends who will have a good influence on them. This makes it so that you don’t have to fight with them about their friends. As they make new friendships with good kids they will forget about their relationships with the other ones. Many kids make friends with bad influences because they are trying to be rebellious. What this should teach you is that telling them not to hang out with these people is useless. In doing so you only show your children a better way to rebel against you. Help them to find new friends and your problem will be solved.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: kids and bad influences, what to do when you don't like your child's friends

Tips to Encourage Good Behavior

August 11, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

small boy fingerpaintingYour child is learning to interact with others. Sometimes they don’t get along with another child, and sometimes they do things that you don’t want them to do. Good behavior in your child is not hard to come by if you can help him set a routine and boundaries. Here are a few simple tips to help encourage your child’s best behavior:

#1 – Showing is more effective than telling: Your child looks to you to learn how to behave, watching your actions, but not always listening to your words. You can show them good behavior and how to react to situations a lot better than trying to tell them. So, if they take a toy away from a child, do not just tell them to give it back, be consistent about showing them that they must. Help them do it, and soon they will learn. Most children learn better visually, so be consistently showing while you tell them. If you want them to clear their dishes, clear yours. If you want them to put toys away after playing, help them do it, by showing them how, and where the things go.

#2 – Praise is more effective than reprimand: Children like attention, so if you aren’t giving it to them, they will seek it out. They do this most often by behaving badly. In their minds even if you are reprimanding them, at least you are talking to them. Rather than starving them for attention until they do something naughty, praise their good behavior. Give them positive feedback when you see them doing something nice. Children react better to praise anyway. So, focus on saying more good than bad to your child. This means if they do something the first time you ask, be sure to point it out and tell them good job, rather than only pointing out when they do not do it the first time you ask. It can be difficult to remember to do this, but if you do you will see great results.

#3 – Listen Actively: When children are small, they don’t always know how to express what they are feeling or what they want. Active listening, or repeating back to them what you think they might be feeling shows that you care about them. They are less likely to throw a temper tantrum if they know you respect them when they are speaking. This means if they take a toy away from another child, you have to start the discipline with, “You want this toy.” They will confirm, and by repeating it back, it shows them you know what they want. It calms them, and then you can help them see what they did wrong. Respect your child by listening to what they say, and show them you are listening by parroting what they say back to them.

#4 – Keep your promises: Be consistent with what you say so your child learns to respect and listen to you. If you promise a reward for good behavior or helping, like a treat for going potty in the toilet, be sure to reward them right away. If you express consequences for bad behavior, be sure to follow through, but don’t make a fuss about it. It is critical that you follow through, no matter what you say, good or bad, otherwise your child will not take you seriously.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: behavior, behavior help, children, raising children, tips, toddlers

Tips for dealing with a surly child

August 10, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

child yellingEvery child has a personality flaw just as each child has a different and unique personality. It would be unrealistic and potentially dangerous to wish away all of our children’s flaws, but this doesn’t mean that they are easy to deal with. Some children are overly angry and throw terrible tantrums. Others seem depressed or withdrawn from the world. In each of these cases the flaw is often associated with some larger personality type that you love and cherish. However, the problem itself is something that might be improved upon, and as a caring parent you obviously want the best for your child. Not only will it help your experience as a parent to help encourage healthy habits, but in the long run it will greatly improve the experience of your child in life. Not doing anything about a serious personality or emotional problem does not help your child in anyway; many people who grow older without solving the problem find that their adult life is challenging and dysfunctional. While this might seem dramatic, it is only too true that many childhood problems extend into adult life where they are amplified. One of the complaints that many parents have about their children is that they are moody or surly. How can you possibly help a surly child overcome their harsh or rude nature? Is there a way to actually change behaviors and attitudes once they have become a normal part of your child’s personality?
Thankfully, the answer is definitely yes. Just as behaviors becomes set and developed over time they can be forgotten and replaced with better ones. Although every child has a personality, this personality is defined by behaviors that are learned over the course of time. We are far more malleable than most people think-people can in fact change, which is a very happy thought. To help your surly child become less surly, you should start by identifying particular situations that might trigger your child’s bad moods. Do they tend to become surly when people are around? When their mom or dad leaves? Sometimes children are surly when a brother or sister is born because they feel that they are losing all the attention. Identifying what causes your child to be surly will help you to know how to deal with situations and what situations to avoid. Sometimes a child is surly because their environment is difficult or dangerous; if your home environment is full of anger or instability this can quickly affect a child’s development. If a child feels threatened or if they feel like they are being deprived of something, they might respond with surliness.
Another thing to do to curb your child’s surliness is to rely on their other emotions. See if you can bring out the kinder side of your child’s personality. Help them to see why behaving in such a surly way only causes problems for everyone else. Finally, you might want to see if getting more exercise and social time will help. Sometimes children just need more positive activity and their bad moods will disappear very quickly. Like an adult who doesn’t get out enough, a child will start to withdraw and become depressed or angry. If none of these tactics work you might have to accept the fact that your child is simply surly. The chances are, however, that they will grow out of this phase and exhibit different personality traits. But with a little persistence and patience, in most cases you can help improve your surly child’s mood.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: children and bad moods, dealing with a surly child, help for surlyness in a child

Tips for dealing with a shy child

August 9, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

Every child faces some serious personal difficulties in this world. Even those who don’t appear to have any kind of visible problem are probably feeling something troubling inside. Although this is hardly to say that every child has a serious emotional problem, this does not mean that they don’t have a personal issue that they can work on. Some children have problems with depression while many others can’t socialize well. One of my children struggles with serious anger management issues. Another severe problem that some children suffer from is shyness. Shy children are rarely noticed, which means that their problem often goes unnoticed. However, it is also a mistake to assume that shyness is a problem. Some kids are simply shy and learn how to live with it. It is a part of their personality and nothing that needs to be changed unless they feel that it is a serious problem. If your child wants to become less shy then you should help them to become so. However, if they have no desire to become less shy you are essentially forcing them to change their personality in an unfair way. Make sure that your desire to have a loud or social child does not interfere with your child’s actual personality.
The issue you need to deal with is why your child feels so shy about everything. Chances are that if your child’s shyness has become an issue it is because they have come to you to talk about it and to seek help. Or if you have asked your child if their shyness bothers them and they have said yes, then you need to speak with them about the problem. See if there is a particular situation that tends to cause your child serious shyness or stress. This could be social situations with new people, or any social situation at all. You might also want to take your child to talk to a child psychologist who can help to determine exactly what is causing their shyness. There are certain anit anxiety medications available these days that can help many children get over much of their shyness. Remember in the midst of all this that your child’s shyness might not be a problem if they don’t think it is.
Next, help to create positive social situations for your child. Shyness is often due to a lack of confidence, and there are few ways to create confidence other than to build it through good experiences. One good way to do this is to set up social situations with some trusted friends. You might even want to start with concerned adult friends who you know will create a healthy and friendly social environment. Start with small meetings so that your child does not get overwhelmed. As they seem more and more confident you can continue to increase the social stress level. You might have some minor setbacks as this process continues. It will probably take some time to help your child get over their shyness.
In the midst of all the stress and strain you will be your child’s best friend. However, it is important to help your child avoid becoming too attached to you. Sometimes shy children rely on their relationship with their parents. They don’t try to extend their social lives to others because they know that their parents will always be there. While you certainly always want to be a good friend with your children, you also want to help them develop good relationships with other children.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: children and socializing, dealing with a shy child, how to help a shy child, shyness

Tips for dealing with a nosy child

August 8, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

Mother-daughter conversationEvery child is different, meaning that each child has unique and special needs. Some children are naturally social and love to talk. Others are extremely reserved and prefer to wrap up in a blanket and read a book all day. There are all sorts of different personality types when it comes to children, and there are also unique problems associated with those types. Some parents have bratty children while others have kind and generous children. Most kids are a combination of many different personality traits. One problem that some parents report having with particular children is nosyness. Have you ever noticed that your child sneaks up to listen to your most private conversations? Do you catch them behind doors or listening at open windows? Some parents find that their kids have been looking around in their personal information on the computer. There are many different forms of nosyness, and your child might be described by on or many of them. If you have a nosy child you are probably wondering about ways to prevent this nosyness. Is there a good way to deal with a nosy child?
It can be hard to deal with nosy children, but it can help to realize that they might be nosy for a reason. Sometimes kids are nosy because they are scared that their parents might be having some sort of problem. They might be unsure about the future and about how their lives might be different soon. Like all human beings they have a concern for their own wellbeing and they are entitled to know what might be happening. While many of the concerns of parents might not be the business of their children, it is important to remember that kids need to know what is generally going on. If they suspect a major problem in their environment they will take the steps to figure out what is going on. You can help to make your child less nosy by making them aware of why things might be tense.
You can also prevent nosiness by directly teaching your children about why nosiness is wrong. You can explain that people need to talk with each other in private and that they aren’t saying anything about the child. You might be able to explain this by asking them how they would like it if someone watched them play with their friends. In terms of problems with the computer, you can actually create a separate user account for yourself and your children on most computers. This will allow you to avoid anyone snooping on whatever you do on your computer.
Naturally the last thing you might want to do is to punish your child for eavesdropping. Although the punishment should probably not be too severe for something like nosiness, make sure that your child understands why there is a problem. Not punishing them will probably just make them think that it is OK to listen behind doors. Imagine if your child continued this behavior indefinitely. You certainly don’t want to raise a child who becomes a nosy adult. Not only will this reflect poorly on you and your parenting, but it will also make it difficult for your child as an adult. They will be constantly getting into trouble as they listen to conversations that should be left to other people. Don’t try to force your child to stop being nosy-first help them to understand why it is wrong and proceed from there. Be patient and help your child to change their inappropriate behavior.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: nosyness and children, snooping and children, tips for dealing with a nosy child

Tips for dealing with a moody child

August 7, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

a sad-faced little girlChildren are a handful even when they are fairly well behaved, but when they are particularly disobedient it tends to create a real problem for everyone. When a child is born there is no telling what they will be like. We never know if our child will be particularly loving, talented, or problematic. Often when our children are born with some sort of serious problem we live in real denial about it. We don’t want to confront the problem because we know that it means we have a real problem on our hands. In many cases we are being a little overly dramatic when we do this but often without cause. Many kids have problems just as adults have problems, and many of those problems can be fixed with some know-how and determination. One of the problems that many parents face are moody children. Sometimes they are happy and upbeat while at other times they are terribly grumpy. It is particularly difficult to predict when these mood swings will occur. Sometimes it occurs when you are in public and with friends and can be especially difficult to deal with. There is no telling when your child will have a mood swing and whether it will be a happy or sad one. But is there anything you can do to deal with your moody child?
Although every child is different, there are some things you can do to help your child get their moods under control. Often children are moody because they cannot control their emotions. They feel things more deeply than do most adults and don’t have the same understanding of social propriety that most of us feel. They have no problem making a huge scene in public which makes them appear foolish. The key is to deal with the emotion that your child is feeling. Realize that ignoring it will probably only make your child more moody and will force them to show their emotions more extremely. If your child is afraid of something, talk with them about their fear. If they are depressed try to find out what is so troubling. Be compassionate and caring but don’t let their mood swings stop you from doing what you want to do. If you give them too much latitude with their emotions they will use it against you.
You will also find that there are some things you can do to hel snap your child out of a bad mood. For example, you will find that your child might become excited when you offer to allow them to see a movie or eat a favorite dish. When offered something of this nature they will probably snap right out of their bad mood. These are just the sort of things that will help them to get back to a good mood and stay there. If you do nothing to interrupt the bad mood they will probably continue in their grumpiness.
If you find that your children’s emotions are completely out of control and you cannot seem to get them back in control, you will probably need to talk with a professional child psychologist. There might be another emotional concern your child has that will require the help of someone who knows a little bit more about these sorts of things. Don’t be ashamed of the problems that many children face emotionally. It could make a huge difference in their emotional development if a psychologist could work with them for even a short period of time. However, this should only be considered in extreme cases.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: children and bad moods, dealing with a moody child, getting a child out of a bad mood

Tips for dealing with a bratty child

August 6, 2011 By admin Leave a Comment

girl poutingKids are hard to raise, but a bratty child is something especially difficult to deal with. When any of us decide to have children we do expose ourselves to all sorts of difficulties and wonders. Children mean the greatest happiness and the most trouble. You never know what you are going to get when a new child is born into the world. There are all sorts of factors that contribute to the personality and abillities of a child. Few of us know what to do when a child seems to develop attitudes or behaviors that might cause serious trouble to themselves and others. Put simply, what do you do when your child turns out to be a brat? Sometimes there are obvious reasons for this; when a child’s parents are brats there is very little hope that the children will turn out otherwise. Sometimes environmental issues can change a child’s behavior-for example they could have had very little attention paid to them. Often children will act out if they do not feel that people are paying attention to them, and especially their parents. But if these are not the causes of your children’s problems you will need to think about the problem in another way. How do you deal with a child who is simply bratty by nature?
This is a difficult question because most parents don’t want to admit that their children are bratty. Every parent wants an angelic child and partly because it means that they won’t have to deal with a brat. It is terrible to think that you might be stuck with a bratty kid for the next twenty years. So, the first step is to realize that there is a serious problem. Think about the sorts of things that cause your child to act inappropriately. If you can identify these triggers you might be able to figure out what is causing your child to act out.
Besides this another way to deal with a bratty child is to give them a chance to prove themselves as being good. Some children gain a reputation as being bad and this shapes their identity. However, they might not really be bratty by nature and might just need to be given a chance. One way to do so is to give the child some responsibility and then to reward them when they do well. Help your child to feel like they are a good boy or girl and they will probably start to act in such a way. Often children act in a bratty manner because they are fighting with their brothers and sisters for any number of reasons. When children fight with each other they often appear to be bratty, and they often are bratty in these contexts. Often if you can resolve a conflict between siblings you will find that your children are much less bratty in general. I have found that our children often fight with each other because one of them feels like we pay more attention to the other. If this is the case you need to invest some time and energy with your children. Sometimes just showing some love to a bratty child will help in the matter. You would be surprised to see just how much of a change a little affection can make. If you have generally approached your child with anger in the past, try approaching their behavior with love. You don’t want to let them run all over you, but you do want them to earn your love and respect.

Filed Under: Raising Children Tagged With: how to parent a brat, problems with kids, tips for dealing with bratty children
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